Nobody panic, but…have you checked your calendar? It’s Friday the 13th, which means we should all exercise EXTREME caution. This is a universal day of bad luck, danger, and serial killers in hockey masks. The day could be treacherous. Fear not, however, for we have some tips that might help us all survive. We’ve dug through Skybound’s comic library and found some solid survival techniques. Learn them well, and with any luck, you might live to see Saturday the 14th.
1 - If you inherit a farmhouse from a relative you’ve never met…..BURN THE DEED and don’t look back
I get it, the housing market is rough. Prices are rising, and it might be nice to inherit a house. However, if you happen to inherit a farmhouse from some dying relative you’ve never met, resist the urge to check the place out. If you need more convincing, look no further than Skybound’s I Hate This Place.
A young couple named Gabby and Trudy inherit a farmhouse, and soon learn it’s a magnet for monsters, aliens, and all manner of supernatural creature. Homeownership is hard enough (or so I hear) without having to worry about the paranormal keeping you up all night.
2 - If there’s a kaiju fight going on outside, bring a poncho
I normally wouldn’t expect to see a kaiju fight in real life, but when it comes to Friday the 13th, I don’t take anything for granted. Before commuting to work or school, check your local news station to see if kaiju are affecting traffic. If that’s the case, then just stay home. Nothing is worth than getting squished by a giant scaly monster.
If, however, you’re out of PTO or have an important exam, then for heaven’s sake bring a poncho. If you read Ultramega, you know how messy kaiju fights can get. For example, in Ultramega #1, a kaiju named Jason is decapitated and his blood floods the city like a tsunami. Imagine getting caught in that without a poncho! Your clothes will be ruined. (Plus, you’ll need years of extensive, expensive therapy.)
3 - If a zombie apocalypse happens, trust no one
So far humanity has been spared from full-blown zombie apocalypse, but when it comes to Friday the 13th, you never know what might happen. Luckily, Skybound has plenty of Walking Dead comics to guide us through our zombie-related problems. In reading these comics, there’s an important recurring theme -- trust no one!
In most cases we have more to fear from the living than we do the dead. From the Governor to Negan to the Hunters, we saw plenty of reasons why humans shouldn’t be trusted. If it’s Friday the 13th and you’re trapped in an alley with a walker on one side, and a human on the other, you’re a helluva lot safer facing that walker.
4 - Let the professionals handle the heavy firepower
At this point you’re probably thinking about ways to defend yourself. After all, you’re going to need some kind of weapon if you’re fighting off walkers, humans, or a kaiju blood tsunami. Remember, safety is important when it comes to heavy firepower. You might open up an issue of Larry Hama’s G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero and think it looks easy but remember these are trained professionals.
You’re probably not as skilled as Snake Eyes, so don’t think you can handle high-grade military weapons. You’d probably just wind up blowing yourself up. Besides, using a military aircraft or tactical missile is just overkill when it comes to fighting zombies.
5 - Don’t rely on superheroes to save you
All of this caution might cause you to throw your hands up in the air and let the superheroes save you. While that’s a tempting thought, I wouldn’t be so quick to rely on any of them. Reading through Invincible, you quickly realize the Guardians of the Globe don’t have the highest success rate.
Don’t get me wrong, Invincible and the Guardians have saved billions of lives. But their battles typically have a high civilian body count. Then there’s Omni-Man, who might throw you into the sun just to prove a point to his son about human fragility. The Guardians MIGHT be able to save you…but when it comes to your life, do you really want to role those dice?
The good news is most of these situations are purely hypothetical. Friday the 13th can be scary, but we’ve survived this day before. Saturday the 14th is only a day away, so keep these tips in mind and you’ll make it through this weekend in one piece!
G.I. JOE TM & © 2023 Hasbro
INVINCIBLE™ © 2023 Robert Kirkman, LLC & Cory Walker. SKYBOUND and all related images are owned by Skybound, LLC. IMAGE COMICS and all related images are owned by Image Comics, Inc. All rights reserved.